Sunday, May 23, 2010

My twins - They would go to school this year

Somebody who lost a child asked me to write my story a while ago. This friday my good friends sister got twins, and my dear Deena is going to pre school in the autumn, those things got me thinking of my sweet twins who went to Allah subhanahuwata'ala. Some of you might know that on 2003 I was preggy for twin boys. They would go to school this year if they would have made it. I can never be totally over the loss, but I have learned to live with it quite well alhamdulilah. Sometimes when I hear that someone else looses a child, the pain comes back. I guess it will be like that forever.

This story might be too graphic for some readers!!!

It was 9 months after I had Donjana, when I found out that I was preggy again. In the first doc checking on week 10 they found two different heart beats, but as there was no chance to scan in that place, it took another two weeks to know that we were expecting twins. Everything seemed really good and the babies were looking healthy. Dh and I were so exited! It felt sooo special!

On 19 week scan they both were found boys alhamdulilah. Y'all can imagine, how exited dh was! That time I already knew a lot about them. The other one slept more and was more quiet, the other one was strong and restless.. They really had different characters, that was for sure. It was easy to recognize them, because on those weeks they couldn't change the sides anymore, so I knew all the time which one was moving.

On week 20 I had my routine check, RR and stuff, and everything seemed ok.. my RR had been high before and I got medication, and now it had settled down alhamdulilah. I was already feeling kind of safe. I was on the second trimester and didn't think there was any risk to loose the babies anymore.

Then, in the same afternoon I felt that my water broke.. I wasn't 100% sure though, maybe because I didn't want to believe it.. I knew I didn't pee myself, so there wasn't too many options though.. Dh had just left to a garage with our car. I had to call him and tell him to hurry home. The car was put up somewhere because they were checking what's going on under it. The mechanic didn't understand what dh tried to explain to him, so i had to explain him why he had to take our car down in the middle of his work.. We rush in the hospital. They checked me out and found that the water really was broken for the action baby. Yes, they had separate sacks. Everything seemed well for both of the boys, they had enough water and all.. There comes more all the time, so that wasn't a problem.

I was taken to the ward where women usually are before the birth if they're not ready to deliver, or after birth if they have a preemie etc. The nurse told me that the delivery might start any time, but the longer the babies stay in the better chance they have. If they reach 24 weeks, there might be a chance to save them. From 23 weeks the pediatrician would come and make a plan. I was 20 weeks, so it felt impossible at the time. The biggest fear was that I get a womb infection or the babies just start to born too early.

I spent 2½ weeks in the hospital hoping and praying that time would fly and the babies would get strong enough before it's time for them to be born. It was scary to think I might get two 24 week preemies. I know how that small preemies are and how easily they get different health problems, but I couldn't even think they wouldn't make it! I don't know what I felt.. I was scared, hopeful, scared, hopeful.. Each day that passed gave me more hope.

Dh and little Donjana visited me every day. Donjana was missing me so much and she wanted to stay with me in the hospital. I missed home! I missed my little girl! I don't remember if anyone really explained her, why I had to be there. I don't think she understood at all what was going on. She was only 14 months old. It broke my heart every time she left, but the same time I couldn't think of even spending one night at home. It would have been too dangerous. I didn't want to take any risks! It would have killed me if I had done something that might make the babies born too early. I had to know I do my best, otherwise I couldn't live with myself.

Two weeks went by. I had a feeling I might get the infection, the water that came out had changed colour. The lab tests that they took daily, showed that it might happen. Then one evening I felt a little pain in my stomach. It didn't feel like a cramp so I didn't get worried. Then I went to the toilet and suddenly felt something so strange.. A baby was almost born in the toilet seat. I rang the nurses to come and they took me fast to the delivery ward.

The first boy was born in the evening when I was at 22+0 weeks. My contractions stopped after the first baby was out. I slept the whole night at the delivery room in case something happens. It seemed like there might be a tiny chance that the second baby would stay in for a bit more. Then early in the morning I woke up for feeling that the other baby's water broke too. The contractions weren't strong enough to make the baby born, so they induced me to have him out quick.. I felt he didn't move much anymore or anything, the infection gave him no chance.

Alhamdulilah I am thankful to Allah subhanahuwata'ala that I could spend those 2½ weeks in the hospital before everything was final. I had hope, but also realistic picture of what was going on. If everything would have happened fast, it would have been very hard and I don't know how I could have gotten over it. Alhamdulilah I had a chance to think it through from every possible side before the end. I'm also thankful to the whole work team in that ward where I was at, especially one older nurse. They kept me sane whole that time.

I think I'm truly blessed. I've had two miscarriages besides this what I told y'all just now, but alhamdulilah I have also 6 beautiful, healthy babies. And two months after my dear twin boys were born, I got preggy with Deena. Alhamdulilah Alhamdulilah for everything!

Thanks for reading ♥

heart picture by frank boenigk


  1. Asalamu aliakum, sis

    Inna lilahee wa inna ilayhee ra'joun. I don't know what to say but inshaAllah your babies are in jannah, waiting to be reunited with you.

    jazaki Allah for sharing your story with us. I know it takes a lot to write about something as deeply personal as this. InshaAllah your story will help others heal who have also gone through the same thing. As you said, though, I imaagine you can never completely get over the loss.

    wa' alykum as salam

    p.s the new layout is absolutely gorgeous!

  2. Oh gosh Tiina! I am in tears reading this. I know the loss of a baby but I wasn't near as far along as you were---I still think from time to time about how old my 1st baby would be now---almost 10 already. Allah knows best always. Alhamdulilah for our beautiful healthy children that we both have! ((HUGS to you sis!))

  3. Oh tiina! I'm tearing up here :( Wow im sorry you had to suffer this loss :( subhanaAllah I can't imagine the pain you and others who've lost babies have gone through.. subhanaAllah. May Allah protect us all. Ameen

    Allah works in mysterious ways sis. Alhamdulillah for the 6 beautiful healthy children you have mashaAllah mashaAllah!!

    Thank you for sharing that. I'm sure it was hard for you.

    **big hugs** to you!!!!

  4. Tiina.. I'm here..I was here, read this..
    Hugssss.. no comments on written

  5. Sister Tina may Allah reunite you with the babies in Jannah. You made me cry:( Allah Knows and we do not.XXX

  6. Omg Tiina, this is so sad...I'm sorry :|
    I'm nowhere near having children, but it's a great fear of mine that I won't be able to and the thought of losing one is so sad! I'm sure it's hard, but you are still so strong! Evidence = 6 healthy babies and the apparent great parenting :)

    ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥


Even if I love talking to myself, it would be lovely to hear what you have to say! :P